Independent

"It's time to get out of that pit already, daughter," He said.  As always, his voice was calm and distant.  But with an alert ear, it was hearable.

I'm a little bit tired from telling myself that everything is okay when it obviously isn't.  Maybe it's not me, maybe it's you.  Maybe it's the both of us.

I really don't care anymore.  I don't want to sit in this pit of sorrow and despair, sitting, wishing, and waiting for God to send down a miraculous sign telling me when to make my move.  I keep thinking that things will start happening when God makes his move.  But he has already told me that he is waiting on me.  In this moment, I'm asking myself...what AM I waiting for?  Am I waiting for the punishment, the consequences to surface?

I know this puts our relationship in jeopardy.  But it's either that, or I stand by silently, watching you walk to your death.  I'll tell you, I'd rather spend years and years mending our relationship than not have you at all when we're out of here.

I've told myself, I've told God, I've told people that I feel so alone.  I feel as if I've been abandoned, as if I have no friends anymore.  But I know that the more I linger on that thought, than the wider the door will open to the enemy.  My anger does not go towards you.  My anger goes towards myself and the tricks of the enemy. 

So now I make a statement.  That if loneliness if really the only option that I have right now, I might as well make the best of my independence.  I might as well take the steps of faith that's required to get me through this stage, this level, this season.  Obviously, if I don't take those steps, then I'm not going to get out of this, I'm not going to move, I'm not going to elevate.  I declare that I am strong in Christ.  "For when I am weak, then I am strong."  In my weakness, I find strength in God.  Through this, I believe that there will be a transformation that God has so graciously planned for me.

My God is a romantic God.  I love him so.

Hm...Can anyone tell me?

How do I follow people on here? Lmao.

I didn't realize that I had followers...but I rarely blog anything.  And I'm not such a pro at it either so yeahs.

But anyone willing to show me how?! Haha.

The Valley

First of all, what is a valley?

My handy dandy New Oxford American Dictionary says - a low area of land between hills or mountains, typically with a river or stream flowing through it.

Sheesh, doesn't it sound beautiful?  I'd say, it sounds nice to walk through a valley beside a flowing river with a friend.  It sounds peaceful. :)

But...what about walking through the valley alone?  I'm sure valleys take longer than just 15 minutes to get through.  Say this valley took a few weeks, maybe a few months, to walk through.  Traveling day and night, hoping that being there alone is as bad as it gets.  When the sun isn't out at noon, the valley is so dark that the steps you take must be small so you don't take a fall over a rock or something.  Imagine that.  Imagine how frightening that is.  I mean, shoot, walking through Waipahu at night scares me!  How much more a valley in the middle of nowhere?  A valley that I'm totally unfamiliar with.  I have never been there before, never walked that path, never seen it - EVER.

Oh, how I wish I had a map to tell me which way to go.

It's interesting how God uses seasons like these in our life to help us develop our character.  Walking through this valley, I'll admit, is pretty difficult.  Even my sisters, walking through valleys, are walking through their OWN valleys.  So they are nowhere to be found.  Being here gets rough, because I'm not always careful with my steps.  Sometimes, I'm not even looking.  I fall into a ditch or trip over a rock - I'm on my knees, all bruised and scratched up.  With only time to heal those wounds, the walk gets tougher.  It's funny how we call this a valley.  It sounds so much better than walking through a desert for 40 years!  But this valley isn't necessarily a beautiful place.

The only hope I have is that this walk won't take forever.  Soon enough, if I just continue walking, I'll come into open land once again.  But for now, I'm here...trying to find my way out.

Panapua Macbaby

Well, it's been a pretty slow day for me.  I was webcamming with Leina for about 4 and a half hours.  I ate a panapua while I was at it and had my dinner at 9 o'clock.  The day is just about over for most, but not for me!  I'll probably be up longer playing with my baby, Macbaby.  She was delivered to me 2 days ago.

So anyways, I have nothing to do right now...I'm just finding all the possible ways to make use of my baby.

Dear Diary,

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I love my Macbook

And my panapua too.

Hahaha, thanks Leina.

Good night.